All others need not apply.
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A perfectly reliable AIM log-in sticker you can have customized with your old screen name because back in your day the internet went skaweeeeerreweeeert.
An estate planning journal that lets you get all your affairs in order in the event of…well, you know…so they don’t have to worry about it.
An adjustable back stretcher and lumbar support device capable of providing you with some serious relief from your back pain — yes, we have that now. It works by helping you get a safe and gentle back stretch through one of its four settings.
A super nostalgic soy wax candle because you’ve been chasing that Friday night Blockbuster high since the last time you set foot in that paradise.
A roll-on Migrastil Migraine Stick made with a combination of essential oils that can help soothe away the pains and symptoms caused by headaches — everyday, annoying headaches that literally everyone causes you.
A bottle of Drop It Wine Drops — it naturally reduces sulfites and tannins in wine which are what can lead to those horrible headaches. Just put a few drops into your glass and it gets to work in just about 20 seconds.
A very handy dishwasher magnet, because if I accidentally eat off of another dirty dish I’m gonna ring the alarm and I’m throwin’ elbows.
And since you’re in a position in life where you actually have a functioning dishwasher, keep it that way with Affresh dishwasher cleaner tablets — just throw them in and they’ll penetrate, dissolve, and remove any odor-causing residue or lime and mineral buildup. Maintenance, folks, it’s part of adulthood, who knew.
A results-delivering Seoul Ceuticals snail repair cream which uses hyaluronic and glycolic acid to hydrate and stimulate collagen production, leaving you with brighter and plumper skin.
A Super NES Classic Edition console fully loaded with 21 games — including Super Mario Kart and Zelda — so you can get back to your playing days.
A set of Blink-182 outlet stickers, because the last time you accidentally shocked yourself you walked away saying, “What’s my age again?”
A comfortable, adjustable, and easy-to-use posture corrector designed to help with your back’s alignment and stability. In time, it develops your back’s muscle memory, which will then hold your back straight even without it. It’s also discreet enough to wear under your shirt or blouse.
A pack of bedsheet suspenders so you can keep those pesky bed corners covered — yes, this is what bothers you now. You’ve officially become your parents.
A super-comfortable crewneck T-shirt, because are you original? (Yeah.) Are you the only one? (Yeah.) Are you sexual? (Yeah.) Are you everything you need? You better rock your body now…in this T-shirt.
An enamel pin of your ride or die, your homie till the end, your BFF, your one and only. Zuckerburg could never.
A three-speed, four-feature, deep-kneading shiatsu massager perfect for your back, legs, feet, head, and shoulders, knees, and toes…knees and toes.
A brightening and firming TruSkin Vitamin C Serum to help keep your skin thriving even when it doesn’t want to anymore.
A TubShroom, because apparently becoming an adult means having to deal with clogged bathtub drains caused by your very own constant shedding.
A gorgeously romantic card to send to the one person you’d have made space for on your frozen floating piece of wood in the middle of the ocean — and we all know they both could have fit!
A Squatty Potty that’ll position you in a way that makes your poop pass through more comfortably! 💩
An awesome little handheld milk frother that’ll up your at-home coffee game to the level of luxury you’ve come to expect in life but can’t seem to afford — it can basically froth up any milky drink (even those with dairy alternatives)!
A pack of facial and eyebrow razors that’ll help shape your eyebrows, smooth your skin, and remove those stray and fine hairs that have started popping up everywhere.
A freakin’ Jonathan Taylor Thomas cross-stitch pattern you can download right this second. Fun fact, I once read in Tiger Beat that JTT was a vegetarian and so I became a vegetarian…FOR FIVE YEARS. I really believed it would improve my chances to marry him. It. Did. Not.
A very handy Instant Pot Magnetic Cheat Sheet Set filled with so much useful information — like cooking times and liquid ratios — you can make your favorite Instant Pot recipes even easier than before.
A set of cool and silky pillowcases with one side designed in a state-of-the-art Japanese cooling fabric and the other side in 100% breathable cotton — basically, they’ll always know which is the cool side of the pillow.
I submit for your approval a roasted pumpkin, allspice, and citron candle with notes of Guaiac wood, star anise, applewood, charred firewood, black amber, and myrrh.
An adjustable multi-compartment lid organizer because there comes a time in every person’s life when you realize what your priorities are and they almost certainly include organizing your cabinets.
A pair of copper-infused arch supports for dealing with swelling and giving you an increase in circulation, while also helping with arch and heel issues by lifting the plantar fascia tissue.
A pretty awesome T-shirt that’ll really convince you to not do drugs. LOL! No, but seriously, does anyone know what D.A.R.E. stands for because I totally forget.
A roomy ceramic cup version of your to-do list — look, you may be older but your love for Leo will never age.
A very comfy stability cushion designed to fit on top of any chair and help you improve your posture.
A pack of collagen-infused eye masks to help combat your lack-of-sleep look and any other general under-eye puffiness that tends to add to your bad day.
A Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards blimp trophy. I don’t even know what to say, I dreamed my whole life of having one of these and now I can. I guess, first I’d like to thank the creators of Snick for this honor, then the little people I had to step on to get here…oh, and I can’t forget Angelica Pickles, who gave me the false confidence to think I actually deserved this.
A pair of super-comfortable pull-on Levi’s jeans because they may take our youth but they will never take our…SKINNY JEANS!
A totally painless battery-charged hair remover you glide over any super-fine hair to get rid of it — who knew old age meant more random body hair?
A terra-cotta succulent planter so you can finally keep a plant alive — it’s astonishing that it’s taken you three+ decades to do it, but I believe in you.
A set of silicone anti-snoring nose vents made in an ergonomically efficient design that’ll dilate your nostrils, giving you an even airflow that might actually stop you from snoring.
A smooth mulberry silk eye mask complete with a gel bead insert that can be stored in the fridge and then used to give you a generous cool feeling — plus, it might just help with those puffy eyes.
A relaxing silk pillowcase so you can sleep in the cool lap of luxury — a luxury that just so happens to be totally hypoallergenic, helps retain hair moisture and reduce frizziness, stays cool, and is recommended by dermatologists to minimize fine lines.
A classic trucker hat because you might be in your 30s but are you old enough to remember this gem of a show?
I’d tell you let’s all jump for joy because we’re in our 30s, but my back hurts.
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